But you are doing such amazing things and even if you cant see it now, you are changing the world because of him and because of your pain. I sat, listened, and fought back my tears the entire time that I was with him. I hope you are safe. Then I remembered. This year, I know the things in my life that I will be thankful for and my list wont include stupid black friday. with this crazy girl hugging her and trying to find the words to tell her thank you. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. Ill enjoy them while I can:) I was productive yesterday. Dr. Schwartz asked how I was feeling. Today was as good of a day, as it could have been. You have plenty of people who would love to take care of you. How I am trying to manage everything like my stress level and this pregnancy. I did not want to use our money, to rent an office space so I did the best with what we had, which was our house or one of the 5 Starbucks that I troll on a regular basis.That Starbucks music was about to make me slit my wrists. Why are you not at your F U Cancer Starbucks office today?, me: Im sick. THANK YOU. I cannot process this. Im afraid this is the best it is going to get. I told her alright for the most part. I felt a wave of goodness wash over me. I know you know how much we all need her. Not always is good enough for me, as of now. Candice from TGen was kind enough to make sure I got to meet Dr. Sholler today. I told your daddy if I had a month, uninterrupted, I could finish it, easily. This pregnancy/growing your baby sister is hard freaking work. But on nights like last night, I dont have a choice. After the Lacrosse game, we all went to lunch. I had all I could take. Oh god. I did see my life flash before my very eyes a couple of days ago when I found myself in bed, on my 6th Cadbury Cream Egg, and watching The Kardashians. I had a moment of sheer panic wash over me as I thought to myself, Who am I?? You were supposed to be with me, for the rest of MY life. Mostly my day was filled with my tears that seemed never-ending. Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. 6 would have been much better. Alone. The song finished. I went to see Dr. JoRo. SO much that I somedays think this still cannot possibly be real. Complainers are everywhere. One that I so badly wanted her at and one that she so badly wanted to be at but did not think she could come for due to her crazy work schedule. Because if I dont have things to do, I just wont do anything at all and that is not a good place for me to be. I hope you know I am thankful for you taking the time to learn about Ronan and for every single penny that comes our way. Ronan. I just let my eyes fall to the floor. Blackness engulfs my forever painfully aching body of grief. So much has happened and so much is going on that I dont even know what to address first. He is quite simply probably one of the few reasons that I am still alive. I took Becca and Stacy there today. The 7th floor jumping out of our hotel window, to splatter on the streets below, did not seem like a better option. Your brothers happiness is proof of that. That will never go away. My list came in my mind later as I named off a few things, but really just thanked him for being such a dear friend. Starr was a mainstay for numerous wrestling territories throughout the 1970s and 80s, capturing almost three dozen championships throughout his career [4] including two reigns as NWA World Junior . He told me he thought I was being a little harsh. And how in the world am I living without him? Its been much too long. All fueled by everything Ronan. I promise to be the best mama to her. "Ronan" was released on September 8, 2012, as a charity song by Taylor Swift. Bobby Eugene Nutt [1] (April 3, 1951 - June 8, 2017), better known by his ring name Ron Starr, was an American professional wrestler. No need for bullshit or pretending. Who am I kidding. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. I am not playing by the fluffy rules. I miss you. And the people that work in this building, could not be lovelier! Ive had your brother home sick 3 days this week. The MRI showed a mass behind Nela's eye and it turned out, Nela did not just have allergies. I sat there numbly and didnt say much. I just sat and cried into the phone. Im doing this for Ronan and Teddy because that is all that matters. I will never stop fighting for all that was taken away from you. After the whole White House petition, I knew I was due for a breakdown. Its amazing the way she seemsto beworking her little magic on all of us. I am surviving, just like the Poppy flower. Now Im crying every single day, sometimes every single hour. Get this done. All I can say is I cannot believe all of this. To feel everything I know I am going to be feeling. He promised to help me fuck cancer and Im not letting him go anywhere other than here, to do that. Im pacing the house now. Not the spilled milk, not the I dont have enough time for myself because my kids keep me too busy, not the messes made, not the arguments that are had, not the strong-willed child that throws a fit over everything, not the I am too tired because my sick, child kept me up all night. Please. We talked about a lot of stuff. How much your absence is always felt. I think deep down, I knew it too, but the confirmation was nice today. Liam and Quinn have a basketball game. She is one of the busiest women on the planet, but I so appreciated her taking the time to talk to me about anything and everything. I cant do that to myself, no matter how awful I am feeling. #cryingallday. Its not the same as having you here. I had all I could take. Liam ran pretty much the whole lake, by himself. I came home and started whipping up the pies that I had promised your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Ive learned to become the ultimate pain hider. She put the little wand over my belly. No eating required. I have taught myself it is better to go into something not expecting a thing that way less disappointments occur. Im not doing this to be hurtful or mean. I knew you were having a baby girl. I pick up and say hello to our favorite lovie and I give him my best Im not crying or sick voice I can. Ronan is not going to let anything happen to you. That phone call that has had me down on my knees every day and night, begging and screaming to you to please DO NOT LET THIS BE STAGE IV FUCKING BULLSHIT CANCER AGAIN. A few hours later, I got the news. I love you. I got to see her on an 3-D ultra sound on Tuesday. Throw in a traumatic death of a child on top of it and its a freaking party now! Im sad. Most of the time alone. I will be thankful for those moments. Because I know you would want it to be this way. He always knows that. I was mesmerized by her. She told me how she found out at 12 weeks here with both of her boys. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me. I dont feel brave. Thank you, Ronan. Hormones. My internal clock has been waking me up at about 2 a.m. for months now. Sometimes, I miss it. You know in my obsessive exercising eating nothing world before I was pregnant, I would have never touched a pie. They are a part of my soul now. I do know this. This is what I am here to do, Ronan. Running on the beach. Ronan - ROCKSTAR RONAN I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. I might just fall asleep with a smile on my face tonight and I might just be going out to New York City in a few weeks. Ronan. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. I kind of crawled over to him and gave him a big hug. I feel like I am back there again. Darling (P.S., SB that's your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. Healthy and living and there should be nothing to complain about, ever. We watched their little boys Lacrosse game. Well, 3 actually but Im only going to talk about 2. I needed a break from MY reality today which is exactly what I got. And now has to stay here and is expected to go on with this so called life. I am so scared of having a still birth because thats the world I live in now and its all I hear about, besides cancer.. Why would I want to break it anymore? THANK YOU. I will be just as happy if this is a boy, too. I am going to need some time with her. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. I met a friend this morning for coffee. Thank you, Amy for hooking this up. It was around 10, that I heard them both crawl into bed with me. I swear I feel her moving, kicking, punching, twirling around all day long and most of the night as well. Dr. Mosse from Chop. I just keep telling myself, Ive got to just get though this part, but its not like I have anything to look forward to next as I will just be writing about your death. I need to rough them up a bit. She makes me be still and quiet in a way that is not forced. I was in the hospital and I had this baby of ours. She called around to a few places. How About No Expectations Because Nobody Knows.. I dont have a clue as to how I am going to feel, once she arrives. (still sick and maybe a little depressed) He put his keys on our dresser, just like he always does, right in front of your urn. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! I will never be o.k. Sweet dreams. Sunday I think. Your sweet little face. I wish so badly that I could make this a reality, because I dont know what else to do. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Rockstar Ronan - ROCKSTAR RONAN I feel myself slipping into my alone place, not wanting to connect with anyone. My own mother whom I love to the moon and back. I gave into it. Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity, but its still very difficult. Carolyn called me and left me a message that said something like, This is the yellow brick road and you are Dorothy! That make me smile so big. I could describe him in a thousand different ways. Its almost as if you are still around so much that you know when I am struggling, and you send someone into help me out or give me a big fucking sign that everything will work out. You know that I will never stop worrying about this baby having cancer, ever. But I appreciated Fernanda saying that. Your day of death. THANK YOU. Whats going on? My heart started pounding. Poppy is developing such a little personality and at 7 months, is already trying to walk. Thanks for writing them. Im not going to lie. I feel like I havent been able to catch my breath all day and its not just from Poppy suffocating me. The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. I feel like childhood cancer is being talked about, everywhere, but I realise that may only be because its the world solelylive in now. I had to tell him I was pregnant with this baby, over the phone. Whats wrong? I would rather jump out of an airplane, 10 times then have to walk out of PCH with your Captain Rex costume that you will never wear again. The most important thing of course that has been consuming me. Please let him be one of the reasons that you will work harder. I have had to regroup from that blow and go back to square one. I have been reading all of your comments today. How do you know everything? I think I am starting to feel a little better and pie is still my best friend. I sat at the TGen conference all day again today. "Rockstar Ronan" ~ This is where I go before I log onto my e-mail in the mornings, before I check my business websites or do anything . My life kind of depends on it. Im sorry for everything. Your questions are sweet. It could have been everything from Im leaving for Tibet to I bought a dog. I think he was really relieved when he heard me say, Were having a baby girl. He was so happy. I left there feeling like I am somewhat in control of this even though I know I am not. I cannot believe a mannequin is wearing my dead childs costume. Those two, will always go by their nicknames. They are at practice now. He tried once again to shake my hand and laughed as I grabbed him for a hug. Of course my Taylor Swift playlist was playing. He said he knew it. September 2022 - ROCKSTAR RONAN I finished the lake and my knee actually felt o.k. Rach. A little seal with the biggest eyes. Liz. Anybody that says otherwise, can fuck off. Ill admit it. I know you want to be here doing them, just as badly. Your boots were not that ugly.. Ronan is of course over the moon to spend the day with one of his brothers. Posted on December 1, 2021 Categories Uncategorized Tags All good things are wild and free, bereaved parents, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, doctors, Family, Grief, Health, honesty, maya thompson, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Music, Neuroblastoma, raw, reality, Rockstar Ronan, Ronan, ronan thompson, sadness, strength, Taylor Swift, tears . if everybody came back in the room with me. Once I got to my car, I knew it would be a while before I was able to leave the parking lot. I still get mad a lot but I find that I am not as reactive with my anger. I am not thankful to that asshole cancer. And there was nothing I could do about it. Again, but not always. You being sick, unable to do things, just does not go hand in hand. the chucking continues. Gay. No. I am tired of being tired and Im going to fight through this as hard as I can. Of course I listened. Everything seems to be suffocating me. Fo shizzle. Where is Ronan? Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. Kass. Watch out childhood cancer! I love you, Ro. They dont have a clue as to what they can tell me about this time around. I will do my best to get through the day. Ronan. Ro and Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. Goodnight boys, Goodnight, Ro. I managed to say. In bed? Then the pictures just stop because no more can be taken. Thanks to all of the amazing people you are just throwing my way, thanks to this blog, and thanks to the most kind hearted, generous people in the world, I now have a new home. It was the day after I had her. Who is the jackass that made up that wise saying? That pain becomes less as time goes on. As soon as my name was called, I got up and asked if it was o.k. Anything That Has To Do With You and New YorkCity. Ive noticed my heart racing a lot like I am having panic attacks again. We went to dinner. Last night, when I woke up in that hotel room, only to find your daddy and brothers, and you were nowhere to be found.. well, what can I say? Of course Im cutting it close with not being able to fly due to being so far along in my pregnancy, but Im cutting it just close enough that I will make it. This is all for now. I know this is what you would want. I know that running away would not have solved my sadness, but living in the same house, without you is hard for me. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. I dont blame them. Mothers Day is hard enough now, butthe fact thatit falls on what should have been your 6th birthday is just beyond anything I am capable of handling. She will be great to have along with me to help with the business things that we are dealing with. Sometimes I feel like Im grasping at thin air, sometimes I get tired and so very sad, but I have never in my life wanted to give up or quit. I did not think anything else could happen today, that would leave me speechless. Listen, I cannot even fathom what you have gone through and will go through for the rest of your life. I listened to him like I always do. No matter how frustrated or sad I get because I know at the end of the day, youre not coming back. The only ones I feel comfortable taking. Carolyn. I know what needs to be done. Seems nobody wants to take on that topic. They offered to buy a new one. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I dont remember the last time Ive written to you and I dont like that. Even when you have a dead kid, life just goes on. He deserved better. I did my best to soak up everything that was being said. on Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. I hope you are safe. He told me to please go and get it done. Goodnight, mommy. I slept for about 16 hours straight. I dont know what in the world happened, but I spent most of the day wiping tears away from my eyes. Thank you again, Ro baby. Then the next letter, from a mom, whos husband is working 3 jobs, they have nothing, but she cleaned out her change drawer. He made fun of them and made me laugh. They urged me to go. WTF asshole mother fucker who thought I could handle all of this. Nobody in that restaurant, had a dead almost 4-year-old. I cannot tolerate a life of complaining of nothingness. We have about one idea for a first name. I went to see your Sparkly for a bit. How I miss the simple days of chasing you around. Starting from before you diagnoses to the months after. I sent Dr. Jo a text to tell her that this conference desperately needed her there. She has our attention. Of course I said, HECK YES! Because I dont like to say no to anything anymore especially if it can help with more awareness. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. I sat today and tried to be productive. When I did finally wake up, I felt like I had been hit by a truck; several times. I talked to your Sparkly the other day. Not many people would want to. 1 comment. On to the next. Go figure. Please work harder because there is a reason you are here. I am so glad we are here. We all are. If you cant be here with me, I will honor you by bringing your little light everywhere that I can. It is her birthday today. Thanks for learning this lesson and letting it make you a better person. I dont even know what I said but Im sure I was on one of my usual rants about F U Cancer to him. I got up to do a few things yesterday. I am always the most intense when I am the saddest/on the verge of jumping out of our 7 story hotel room. Through her tears she told me she was sorry, but how proud she was of all the things we are doing. You know this is all Ronan. I do think this is true. Sheets drenched. He knows that too. I, of course, look for you on every field and on every team. Rawness. I'm landing close to midnight. Of course it did. We WILL get to the White House to make them fight harder for our kids who are dealing with cancer. I know I love it, but I also know it will never take the place of you. I am so sorry that you had to be taken away. Ive spent about the past year, avoiding our house during the day, because I hate it so much without you here. Thank you for not being thankful for any of the shallow things in life, but for the things that truly matter. A lot is wrong with me, actually. Your brothers want to play as well. I miss him so much.. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. This led to him calling my phone. A few nights ago I was at my office working on my book, but I needed to take a little time out so I started to go through my pictures of you to make his card. I had just put the apple pie in the oven when your song, Ronan, came on. This means no computer time, only a little time is spent posting the never ending cute little Poppy pics on Instagram as my way of trying to keep up with all of your lovies out there. Quinn had 18 points last weekend. My phone rang and so I did my thing. Im sitting in the parking lot. Of course I said yes and that is pretty much all I did. Eddie Vedder will forever be one of my idols in life as I appreciate so much how he just lives his life the way he wants, with no apologies. You see, I am not only doing this to make some money for your foundation, but I am also doing this to help us get through May. Turns out, they are not. I felt a connection with her that I often dont feel after just meeting someone for the first time. Please make this about more than just science. It was a boy. I hope you are safe. If that wasnt enough to make me cry, the next thing was. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. I was in a world that I normally dont live in anymore. Ill check in with you later.